"Just" an off cycle.

Through my ten months of TTC ( trying to conceive)  I have to admit I haven't been a very faithful follower of one natural family planning method or another.

When Justin and I first decided to try for a baby last March( only one month after getting married) we simply decided we would stop protecting, and see what God does. May rolled around and nothing had yet happened, so we decided to start learning and reading the signs of my body to tell when I was most fertile and hopefully pin point ovulation that way.

By July it started to affect me, all these past months I could get my period and think "oh well, there is always next month." But by this point I was loosing my innocence in the way I thought that trying to conceive should be. The experience was no longer exciting and new and now was frustrating and sad..

In August we decided to try something new, I bought clear Blue ovulation tests, and decided to try those.  It was risky as they are so expensive and if I don't pin point when I could be fertile correctly or if my ovulation was delayed, I would be using them for nothing and have to go out to buy a new box..
Around day 5 of using a 7 day kit I detected my LH surge, at least I was sure I did as I saw a second faint line.. So I stopped using them and had faith that all was done correctly.

One Sunday afternoon on September 5th, not even really thinking I could be pregnant, I broke down emotionally and cried and cried, I also felt weird, my entire body ached with back and front cramps and so just by the off chance that the OPKs worked I took a test.. PREGNANT!! I took another and another all said pregnant!

Needless to say 5 days later I was back to being baby-less and so we didn't try for a baby the next ovulation, in order to allow some time to heal both physically and emotionally. ( if there is such a thing as completely "healing emotionally" from a loss)
The following months my body was acting so weird I went to my Dr and he said it was normal for your body to act up for up to 6 months after a loss, well in both October and November we hoped but didn't put too much stock in focusing on TTC as intensely as before..

Well in the November/December cycle I was set on getting back into the game.  I was going to go online and find myself a really great helpful chart and calender, and I was even going to take my BBT (basal body temp) every morning!  Something I always put off doing.
And so it started, I was learning so much! And was being pretty diligent at taking my temp before I got out of bed and recording any symptom I may have had that day.

The big rule any BBT taker and charter should know is that your BBT goes up after you've ovulated due to hormones and it should go back down 2 days or the day your period is due, and if it stays up for 18+ days with no period in sight, then congrats your pregnant!  it is very rare to get that far with high temps and not be pregnant.. Of course there is the odd chance that you could have an ovarian cyst or have something wrong with your cycle or hormones, but that isn't as likely..

Well my temp went up after ovulation had occurred, or so my signs told me, and stayed up and stayed up, past 14,15,16,17 and of course went up and stayed even higher on day 18! Typical of a pregnancy chart..

Maybe its a wall, a thick crust I have made for myself but I refused to get my hopes up, I have seen far too many negatives during all this, far too many months I convinced myself I was pregnant and even gagged from "morning sickness." That morning I got up and went to take a test, even though I had a feeling it was a negative.. I took a test. NEGATIVE, took another Negative, another negative.....

I really hate these things!

The emotions I felt weren't disappointment, it was pure frustration, why couldn't my period have just started on time? Why the first month I ever take my BBT does my temps have to stay high with no pregnancy!

My period didn't come the next day so I made an appointment with a Dr for a blood test, it turns out she is pretty convinced I have had an " An-ovulatory cycle" where I just never ovulated, my egg is stuck, it never got released so it could be holding everything up.. Sorta like having a constipated period...

I'll get my results on Monday as to whether by surprise of all surprises ( yeah right) I am pregnant, or if more then likely I do have a stalled cycle they will put me on Progesterone and try to jump start my cycle...

It isn't that I am bitter I am not pregnant this month, although I would welcome that any day, I somehow feel cheated, like a dirty trick was played on me... Why by all appearances did it have to look like I was pregnant this month? That's so rude!

I guess it just goes to show me AGAIN for the millionth time, that no matter what knowledge I gain
or what humans tell me my body should do, God is in control.
solely on my BBT or what my body is telling me, when just like everything else of this world is can and will fail me.

Why is it so hard to trust God in the things you desire most? Why is it so hard to just give in, give control over to him when I know for a fact once I do all struggle and hurt will cease.
I have prayed this again and again;  "Lord no matter what happens this month help me to keep  my eyes on you, to trust that you know what is best".. My trouble is I stop praying this..

If I can be be diligent to take my temp and chart everyday, then I should be able to remember to give it over to the Lord everyday, to allow Him to give me a child in His timing, and to trust that truth...

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11