A not so happy week( for mommy at least)

My baby girl is growing and changing each day, I love to watch her discover new things, her latest discovery is her right ear, more often then not I'll see her folding it down and twisting it. Of course my over active mommy radar instantly thinks of an ear infection. But no my girl isn't sick she is just maturing and with that comes many new changes, some good and some bad.

I've been so frustrated the last few days, Ava is such a sweet content baby, she has always gone to bed easily, naps very easily and keeps herself right on her schedule, even on trips to Ontario, Saskatchewan, and Manitoba she did amazingly putting herself to sleep right when she would have at home, really she just stuck to her own schedule I barely had to do anything, that is until I tried to change it..

I was reading a baby sleep book , very smugly in fact that nothing really applied to Ava, until I came across a section about nighttime fussiness and how what it really could mean is that they are going to bed too late, and so the mother should try to put them to bed at their fussy time..
Made sense to me, Ava's self appointed Bedtime is 9:00, with a bath starting at 7:45 ( exactly when she started to get fussy)  followed by getting a baby massage with her eczema cream, getting dressed and finally feeding until right around 9:00pm when I would carry a very limp body to her bassinet ( still in our bedroom) and I wouldn't hear a peep until 4:30am where she would have a 15-20 minute feeding and then gone again until 8:30am...
That is until Wednesday night when I decided to up everything by an hour, bath at 7:00 and feeding until 8:00 where I carried an awake baby to her bassinet and let her fuss for awhile, which usually did the trick of putting herself to sleep, when that didn't work I moved her to the swing in our bedroom which has never failed at putting her to sleep, she lay awake chewing on  her hands or whatever else she could find to stuff in her mouth  for about a half an hour until she finally drifted off to sleep.. I paced up and down the hallway sure I had gone and tried to "fix" something that wasn't broken, nervously I went to bed hoping that she would sleep well even though going to bed wasn't as peaceful as it usually was..
I didn't hear from her until.....1:00am and then again at 2:30. and 3:30 where I let her play around until 4:00 then  gave her a bottle to put her to sleep and laid her back down and she wasn't asleep! She played with her feet, her hands the side of the bassinet until around 4:30, the bottle as never not worked at konking her out..
I heard from her again at 6:00 where I was tired enough to just move her to her swing and then asleep until 8:30..
The naps that day weren't any better my previous champion at putting herself to sleep for naps was now uninterested at napping at all and wouldn't consider it unless she was in her swing for a good half an hour before her eyelids would fall shut.. This same cycle repeated itself that night and yesterday for napping.
I have been so on edge snapping at Justin for even walking towards us when I "think" she will fall asleep, and pretty much feeling like a failure for relying on that stinking swing to put her to sleep and blaming myself for this whole ordeal.

Well last night I decided enough was enough I know that I should stick to this new 8:00 bedtime but I just wanted things to go back to normal, so I let her stay up until her usual time, Justin fed her and she was out by 9:30, where I didn't hear from her again until..... 5:30am!! I was so proud of her and so thankful, she started sucking on her hands ( my cue to feed her ) I fed her, laid in her bassinet, where she decided playing would be more fun and stayed awake until 7:00 and she only fell asleep because I put her in the swing..

Frustrated isn't a strong enough word for how I've felt the past few days, while I sit her blogging and trying to analyze it and figure out what I can do to get my Ava back ( meanwhile she is taking her morning nap, in that SWING guh..) I've come to realize it isn't really the waking up multiple times during the night that bothers me, its the feeling of being at a loss again  I hated that when Ava was a newborn, I just wanted to hurry past the newborn stage and get to where I knew her cries and what they meant.
It is my issue with control, sure I'll be a happy and blessed mother when my life and Ava's are predictable but don't you dare turn things around on me Lord or I will be a grumbly mess!

I know that being a mother is about the hard stuff, really my head knows that but my heart or more Satan attacking it tells me that I'm only a good mother if I can fulfill all of Ava's needs the second she starts to snort, if I know my daughter inside and out and can know what she needs before even she does.

And I have no idea why but I have had a 4 month long battle with allowing that swing to put Ava to sleep, I  feel like the ultimate failure when it can comfort my baby into sleep but I can't.

Who knows whats going on with her, I sure don't and I really hate that, God does I know that, and I should be thankful I have a higher power to look to when I get fed up. For some reason it is always my last resort.

Yes being a mommy is as wonderful as it is hard, I really couldn't imagine being the creator and father to the whole human race, I put Him through a whole lot more then Ava puts me through, I'll try to remember that tonight when I'm mad that I have to pick up snuggle and hold my baby to get her back to sleep.. Yes, what a terrible thing that is..