Life Lessons...

Its amazing how often in my life lessens repeat themselves, as if I didn't learn enough from heartache the 1st time around.

This morning I had myself a battle with the Lord as most of us probably do at one time or another in our lives and it seemed that it was the exact same battle I had, had in my 1st year at Millar.

Justin and my relationship had gone very wrong, even though we tried to hide it from all of our family and friends we were at our breaking point, when one night all alone in my dorm room I fought long and hard with God.

I knew it was wrong of me to need so much of Justin, to put so much of myself worth into how he treated me and who I was because of him; but I had no one else, he was the most important person in my life. 

Boom  right there it was, I realized Justin was my God, I wasn't allowing God to be number 1 and that is why we were failing.

Then came the second part of the fight, I heard God more clearly then I had ever heard Him before. He was saying "Do you love me enough to let Justin go?" and  "Do you love me enough to drop him your "everything" to live for me, to allow me to fulfill you?". 

 Hardest question I have ever had to answer, I fought for the next few hours pleading that no, there had to be a way to fix our relationship and give my life back to God at the same time.

But no for those of you who know our story there wasn't, Justin and I ended our engagement then soon after ended our relationship in order to re-fix our eyes on the one who was going to fulfill us as a individuals and to stop putting each other first before God.

To make a long story short we got engaged 9 months later and married 14 months later, if you were to ask me what event changed who I am as a daughter of Christ, wife and person I would hands down tell you that story. 

Because of the fact that Christ had to break us completely in order to pick up the pieces and rebuild us, to show us that all we needed in life was Him and that everything else was a blessing;  I have been enjoying more then I ever dreamed this major blessing in life called marriage.

  I am so thankful that the Lord showed me this error in my thinking before I got married or who knows if we would have divorced or lived in a loveless, angry marriage.

So, seeing as how much that lesson changed me as a wife you'd think that I would have learned to not try and fulfill my life with things other then Christ in every area right? WRONG.

So onto this mornings battle with God, I have been struggling with not being able to conceive, that is no secret, then the miscarriage last month was a huge blow to my hopes and dreams of having a baby. But I tried hard not to let it shake my faith in God.

 The Dr told me that because it was a "chemical pregnancy" and the baby had not attached itself to my uterus that I could count the day I miscarried as day one of my cycle and try again next ovulation.

And I did ovulate on time, but I wasn't interested in starting to try so soon after the loss so we didn't.  But then again I still wanted to trust in God no matter what so we didn't necessarily try really hard to be careful either.

I was to get my period on the 10th it was a no show, then the 11th passed then 12th then the13th. 

So yesterday I really began to wonder, could it be that God chose for me to get pregnant when I least expected it? I tried hard not to get excited, after all I had some stress last month and stress can cause a period to be late.  But I am usually very regular.  Stress has very rarely caused me to be this late.

 All these thoughts and emotions rushed into my head, as you would probably guess,

should I test should I not. I am so afraid of another heartbreak yet I was 4 days late. I miscarried at 4 days late for my period last month, so I could be just as pregnant as last month.

Finally I tested, my heart pounded as I flipped the test over and... Not Pregnant... It was as big and bold as a ten foot flashing neon sign. And hit me as hard as a ton of bricks.

For the 1st time since starting this journey to baby in April, I was mad! Why in the world did this happen to me this month when I am never late any other month, but no, the month after I loose the one thing in the world that I wanted most, I am late causing my emotions to go crazy.

  I couldn't deal with the anger and sadness so I took gravol so I could just sleep all day. Why would I want to be awake today anyways? Justin was at work and here I was alone in my living room with NOTHING but the TV to keep me occupied, not a job, not any projects to work on and certainly not a baby to make me feel like life is worth living.

because even when I lost our baby I could and did praise Him, I was thankful that He did what was best for us and that our baby is in Heaven, and it was genuine. But in my anger of this month I felt like I have been faithful this entire time,really  I have been, so why couldn't He just throw me a bone and bless me with a baby this month for my faithfulness!!!

Well I went to bed mad, and woke up this morning mad, and really mostly mad at myself for my lack of faith and being mad at God, I know its wrong and that He still loves me and wants whats best but I am sick and tired of having faith for nothing!

And it was when that angry thought popped into my head that another occurred to me for some reason I saw a certain persons facebook status, I don't remember reading it but I saw it clear as day in my head, it read this:  (This persons name).I need no other argument, I need no other plea: it is enough that Jesus died, and that He died for me!on Thursday

Oh man did the memories of what I had to learn with Justin come flooding back.

 Why wasn't it enough that Jesus died for me? He gave His life so I could have mine 

and here I am feeling that there is nothing to live for!

A very familiar voice came back into my head it said: "Sunnie, if I never give you a child,

 if you never become a mother will you still live for me? Will you find happiness 

and contentment in your life through me?"

What hard question to answer, for anyone who wants a baby or has lost one. 

It is true though I have been feeling jipped because my sisters can have babies

 effortlessly, my mom and mother in law never miscarried... 

Here I am again thinking my life will be whole if I can just fill it with something. 

I am trying to fill it with a life that is not even born yet, when I have a Savior and Creator 

who sent His son, His child that He loved more then I love my unborn one, He sent His

 to die in my place and that same God has a wonderful plan for my life and I can find 

wholeness if I just allow Him to fill me.

I'm not pretending that I answered a whole hearted YES! and completely forgot about

 ever wanting a family, I am human and I know I will struggle.

As I sit here right now I am 5 days late, later then I was when I was pregnant

and I don't know what the Lord has in store for me. But I do know that He does. 

Is that knowledge enough me?

Whether or not I start my period in the next 5 minutes or have had a false negative

 and in 3 days find out I am expecting, Where will I find my hope and peace? 

Where will my happiness and fulfillment come from?

 My husband didn't give his life for me, this unborn baby didn't give up his life so that

 I might go to heaven, nor can either of them fulfill my life that I might find 

happiness in it. 

No just like I learned 2 years ago, It can only come from the Savior of my heart, 

and I pray I continue to remember and trust on this.

 Because it is when I loose sight of this truth, that I start searching in all the wrong places 

instead of not needing to search at all 

and feeling all the happiness God wants so badly to shower upon me.