A special song

I have a maker
He formed my heart
Before even time began
My life was in His hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call 

I have a Father
He calls me His own
He'll never leave me
no matter where I go


I'm not sure if I ever mentioned where I came up with the name for my blog but it came from a very special place. 
 I was sitting in an ER room with my mother in law at my side, waiting to hear whether I had lost our precious baby or not, I was terrified, I wasn't sure what to think, I knew I had lost the baby but a tiny glow of hope stayed alive inside of me. 
As I sat on the bed I just stared at the curtains that were drawn to give me privacy from the on lookers who could see inside the glass doors, my mother in law kept asking me what I was thinking, I wasn't even sure myself. I was thinking things like " this can't be happening" and " I knew this was going to happen" but mostly a song kept playing over and over in my head.
 For days I couldn't get that song out of my head, I wrote it as my status on Facebook the day after I had announced our loss. I don't know where it came from but it became very important to me and thus was born the name for my blog " He knows my name" 


You may be wandering why after a year and a half has gone by am I revisiting this, I've talked about our loss numerous time on here, plus I have a beautiful 6 month old daughter to think about now.  You know, I'm not even too sure myself why I felt an urge to write this blog, but I don't think its by accident.


I was visiting a friends blog today , and at the bottom I saw an old post with the title " He knows my name" I had completely forgotten how she had written a blog post for Justin and I after we lost our baby.  I sat here emotions and memories flooding back , first sad emotions as I was being taken back to that darkness, remembering how grief stricken I was; and then, and overwhelming sense of God's love and goodness.


At that time I felt so lost, so saddened, holding onto a promise that I knew God had made to me that He will never leave me and He'll never let me go, not sure if or when He would bring me that happiness or answer our prayers for a family. 


I sit here now so in awe of how fast time has gone by and how God had healed my heart in ways I never thought possible, how before I knew it I am sitting here with a 6 month old daughter playing on the floor squealing and laughing at her toys
.
I remember in one of my blog posts after our loss I was talking about my miscarriage and not being able to see "why" God chose for this to happen, I can't remember my exact wording but I said some thing like ' I know there is a reasons and when God chooses to reveal it to me I'll let you know and we can praise God together'...


Here we are a year and a half later, and I still don't know why.. He has healed my heart yes, and I can go months sometimes without thinking about our first child but there are moments where I still hurt and moments where I still don't understand.
You see how can a mother thank God for sacrificing her first child to give her second life. If I hadn't of lost our first baby there would be no Ava, but I had remained pregnant Ava wouldn't be here but I would have been blessed with a child I would have loved just as much.. 
I still don't understand it, and in some ways loving Ava so much makes me wonder who else I'm missing out on. I can wonder and think about the what ifs all I want but I will never fully understand why and that is ok because its not my job too. 

This blog post isn't to point out that God is still keeping me in the dark, suffering and wondering what could have been. No, its to share over a year later and I don't have the answers but I am blessed none the less. 
I have a gift now that I didn't have then, I have the gift of being able to look back, learn and to feel thankful.. 


God has blessed me beyond my understanding, He didn't have to tell me why in order for me to understand that what He did was for my and Justin's best, He quietly healed and worked on my heart. I've always searched for a deep meaning to our baby's death, but maybe its much more simple then I want it to be, maybe He was teaching me faith, trust and forgiveness, strengthening and purifying me, but maybe through my baby's life He was showing me how great He is, How much He loves me and what a wonderful life He has chosen for me with my husband my daughter and the baby He specially chose to impact my life.