Saying goodbye...Again

To know that I have 2 children in Heaven is a feeling I have a hard time explaining. On the one hand I feel such sadness that yet another life has left my body without me ever getting to hold it or gently stroke that tiny face and tell it I'm its mommy as I did with Ava seconds after she was born.
But then again there is a happiness knowing where my child is and that it has a better life with God then it had a chance of having on earth with Mommy and Daddy.

On June 9th Justin and I found out we were expecting our third baby, a surprise baby! Unlike Ava whom we planned and begged God for, for months before we conceived, this tiny child just showed up one day surprising us beyond words!  You would think that after my experience trying to conceive Ava I would have been ecstatic, a baby I didn't even have to ask for!
Sadly that was not the case, just like I did when I found out Ava was on the way I laid in Justin's arms crying though these weren't happy tears. I was scared to death! Ava had shown me what being a mom was truly about and how hard it was, more so then that she had showed me my flaws and weaknesses..
There were moments these past 8 months were I would hold a sleeping Ava and cry, begging God to help me be a better mom, to be the mom Ava needed and deserved, and here I was about to be a mom to two babies under the age of 16 months old.
I am a huge planner, I feel the need to organize my life and everything needs to fall into place just perfectly or I panic and panic I did!

For days I would try and hide my depression about this pregnancy from friends and  family, but when they weren't looking I would quietly shut myself in my room and cry.
Its not that I didn't want this baby, Its that I was scared for it, and for Ava. I knew I couldn't do it, I knew I would fail them both.. I also knew this was wrong, and that I was already failing by not trusting God that He knew what was best for my family and by not being happy about this gift He'd freely given me. 


I started praying hard, "God, please help me trust you with this baby, I know you know what is best for my family, please help me leave them in your hands."   Once I left it in God's hands the excitement started to grow, Justin and I picked names and dreamed about how cute it would be to watch Ava with her little sibling, I began to see what a wonderful thing this truly was. 


One Sunday June 24th ( Ava's 8 month birthday) I began spotting, the fear that gripped me with my  first miscarriage came back, I could barely breath as I walked down to hall and told Justin; the heart break in his eyes was something I had only ever seen once before when we lost our first and it was a look I had never wanted to see again, but here we were again facing potentially loosing another child.
As I talked to people and got their encouragement and advice I was starting to feel more at ease, it seemed very much just like normal pregnancy spotting, we did go into the ER that night, where my pregnancy test came back a strong positive and the DR wasn't too concerned. He did however order and ultrasound for the following day just to be sure. 
That night the spotting mostly stopped, I was starting to feel at ease.
The next morning it got heavier, but still not enough to fill a pad in one hour, which was what the nurse told me to look for.  
That day at 1:30 I laid down on the table for an ultrasound, my heart pounding, I held on to hope but at the same time there was a peace in my heart that I just felt like the baby was gone, I would shove it aside and cling to the hope.
I had a belly ultrasound first, it lasted about 8-10 minutes, but then the tech asked me to go empty my bladder she was going to try a trans vaginal ultrasound,  my heart sank, with Ava they found her right away scanning over my belly at 6 weeks 5 days, I was about 6-7 weeks with this baby.
As I walked to the bathroom I knew my baby was gone I could just feel it , I was trying to wrap my head around loosing another child it seemed so unreal.


As I went to the bathroom I passed a large cloth of blood and tissue, when I stood up I just stared down into the toilet, knowing what had probably just happened, it seemed so unfair I felt like reaching in and saving what was laying in there.  That's mine! It belongs to me, that was supposed to be my child how can I just flush it down a drain?!
I had no choice, In my head I whispered a goodbye, flushed the toilet and went back into the ultrasound room..  I held it together during the ultrasound, and even walking out into the waiting room where Justin was, but once our eyes connected I let go of all the emotion I had been holding in, I just couldn't tell him our baby was gone, and I didn't need to my tears said enough. 


They had found nothing in my womb,  it was completely empty, I told my DR what had happened in the bathroom and she confirmed that I must have fully miscarried the baby moments before the second ultrasound. 




Dealing with this loss has been very different from the first, there was a lot more anger that was felt. You see I didn't ask for this baby, I would have been perfectly fine if God had never given it to us, I was content with my happy little life and didn't feel the need to expand it. 
 So why did God give me a child, just to let it die?  I had to trust Him about giving the baby to me in the first place, just so He could turn around and take it away 2 weeks later!? It made no logical sense to me!  


I usually end my posts with something God had taught me through my struggle or whatever it may be, but here, I just don't have an answer. 
I have 2 children in Heaven waiting for me, I have a beautiful baby girl on earth, and I have a God who I know loves me and my family and does do whats best for us.

Someday I will have my answers, but until then I know that God is looking out for my family, those here on earth and those precious ones in Heaven.